Inside my mind


Do you ever just wonder if not where you are now, 
where would you have been?
Do you ever just sit to trace back your life?
Embracing the soft silken thread of your journey, from one end to the other?
Figuring out whether where you are today, was it the decision of fate or all merely a sum of your own choices?
You know, my mind. My mind isn’t the best place to be 
when thoughts like these simmers.
Because it isn’t easy to let go of that image in my head, that isn’t alive, 
but I like to deceive myself in the comfort 
of its false presence.

As I said my mind, my mind 
isn’t the best place to be, 
when gusts of winds pass by, and there’s the sound of thunder-lightning striking 
somewhere far, far away. But nowhere to be seen.
We were taught as kids that light travels faster than sound. 
But why is it that I hear the rumble of falling homes, the breaking of concrete, the destroying of peace but nowhere to be seen.

Because it is the voice from my guts, the kind that warns you;
that your mind will now think and think and wonder and question and inspect, everything, but everything not close to the truth, the reality. 
Your mind will chase all the alternatives, 
everything, but everything not close to your reality.
Because now I know my mind won’t stop till I am 
Stuck in that web of regret
Stuck in that loop of doubts and constantly question myself 
Till I cry for help, because 
There is this cyclic thunder of thoughts, thoughts flooding inside. 
As if all words in my mind are laser beams being reflected 
From one mirror to the other
It starts so, so slow. Yet, it takes no time for me to burn, or, drown, or maybe both.
I question the other dimensions of reality.
I overthink all the choices I have made.
Am I at a good place? Or did I make some mistakes?

Do you ever just wonder if not engineering, then what would it have been?
Was it a wise decision to not choose the plan B?
Was it okay to have picked up the red dress instead of black? 
Was it okay to say no to someone’s love?
Was it okay when I didn’t choose something or walked away from something?

So I take comfort in the thought of parallel realities.
Phew, thank god they exist
Because now probably there’s a ‘me’ somewhere who didn’t make the same mistakes as I did and don’t regret.
There’s a ‘me’ out there running a famous vintage café
There’s a ‘me’ and him, that worked
There’s a ‘me’ and a good friend, whom I didn’t loose
There’s a ‘me’ who didn’t skip the class, that wasn’t supposed to be skipped
There’s a ‘me’ who selected a different roadmap to a better uni and a better degree
But what if I had infinite other realities, and the one I am in is the worst?
What if, everything I have chosen till now, only led me to the worst?

But if I keep questioning my reality, how will I ever come to fall in love with it?
My mind, I know my mind isn’t the place to be
But I am trying…

#Love your reality.


Muskan is a final year engineering student, who loves to create art in audio and visual forms. Although she is building herself a professional career in tech, she believes her ability to observe details in real word combined with her passion for poetry helps her create powerful narratives. She is a trained spoken-word artist, who loves to share her poetry and connect with audiences when performing. She is currently, exploring and improving herself as a stage-poet. You can connect with her through her Instagram handle- @muskangupta19


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