To teeter, totter, teeter


She splashed water on her face, incessantly, till its coldness paralyzed the blood flow to her face making it pale and numb. She ran to the window in her bedroom and left the water running in the bathroom. Although, trembling through the short, stifling, breathless feeling in her body; she managed to push the window open. Her room was filling with the sound of pouring rain over - the water running in the bath. Her room started inhaling the moist and damp mud, the wet leaves and boggy barks. The thick, soft curls of her lose hair, down to her waist moved in the wind as freely as the leaves swaying under the temperament of roaring clouds. Over the course of an hour her rapid breath began to loosen its pace, asynchronously mellowing down against the hailstorm and wild gushing winds outside.

It has been days now, four months to be precise since they met. Amir has moved on with his life while Mila is fading in the background of his everyday run-of-the-mill. Her sudden bouts of paranoid phone calls amid snoring dusk espouse a nonchalant reaction from him. Amir has still not told her and probably never will, about the mutually exclusive relationship he has developed with a junior associate at work, in the course of a month after he met Mila.
She, however, very vividly remembers the sound of thundering clouds outside while their bodies smeared over each other with raging greed. Over the years, Mila has learned to use alcohol to her advantage. She choses to blame it for her behavior or credit it for making reality easier to consume, as she likes. That night, exactly two weeks after her break-up, while her lost lover had broken all contact with her, she was intoxicating herself to see her recompence in Amir, as well as be able to give her actions a reason the next morning. She slept in his arms and he drove her back home the next day, but they have not seen each other since. She felt a bit of turbulence in her stomach that night and subsided it by consuming a few extra pills than what she was prescribed to consume every night before going to bed. She also went on to ignore Amir's good morning and sweet dreams that buzzed about in the days that followed, as she was being swallowed by the uninvited paranoia, the sudden and persistent periods of this haunting, unpleasant feeling that she did not address for nearly two months. Until, she had to, finally tell her therapist about the uncontrollable chaos that was intruding in her ever day life. She begged him to write her a prescription of an increased dosage. She broke down. "I feel like something is growing inside me, like a giant kidney bean is growing its legs and arms, one toe at a time, one finger at a time. I have to take never ending showers to wash it off, I go on scrubbing my stomach to rinse it off me."

A few days later she took her therapist’s advice and visited a doctor. She had got her periods four times in four months and she was assured with ample medical evidence that she was not pregnant. All that was left to do was an ultrasound and despite seeing no requirement for one, the doctor advised that she should get it. She drank herself to sleep the night before the morning of her result. When the nurse handed over her reports congratulating her for not being pregnant- she felt nothing. As soon as she returned home, she undressed herself and and stood under the shower, wrapped her arms around and began scratching her shoulders while the cold water ran down from her head to toes.

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