I have all about my angel (My Maternal Grandmother, My Nani) and my Meera (My Mother).
The Angel whose Heart was Meera and Princess was Bhavna…
O Priyathama Tu meri hai, meri rahegi sada.......
You would be wondering why so much about Nani today. This year took a toll over my peace and happiness. My Nani left us to have another journey in heaven. My mother and I still search her everywhere. No word can express the pain of loss, something that took everything from you and daily you pretend that you are normal as this is life rule and it happens with everyone. We both know that she could have survived but her pretentious care takers took a lot of care that God called her.
With her, there was no rule book to express yourself which after her demise made me understood that all the people have a code to impose on others pain of loss.
I hope diary these lines doesn’t look as normal Bollywood songs, as I found these words as the deepest of my heart want to say or can relate to.
Kitni Baatein Yaad Aati Hain
Tasveerein Si Ban Jaati Hain
Main Kaise Inhein Bhooloon, Dil Ko Kya Samjhaun
Kitni Baatein Kehane Ki Hain
Hothon Par Jo Sahmi Si Hain
Ek Roz Inhein Sun Lo, Kyun Aise Gumsum Ho
Kyun Poori Ho Na Payee Daastan
Kaise Aayee Hain Aisi Dooriyaan
This is not the right place and it can never do justice with my emotions right now…
But Nani, Radhey Radhey, and I love you the most in this whole universe. I know you left us but you will always stay alive in me. I still live with you, I feel you everywhere. Your smile, your hug, your cuddle…. I miss but I feel all the time the way you caressed us. You gave me the biggest gift in the form of your brave daughter ‘Meera’. You know you were the only person in this whole world who never judged me on any parameters to talk to me or to keep a relation with. You were never one of those whose definition of love and warmth changed as per my success or failure card or my behavior or me not talking to you or not meetings you for months. I can be myself in front of you and you still loved me. The only thing that matters to you was that Meera, Bhavna, Kartik, or Shyam, or even Kitty, just come to you and live with you. I can never ever forget the smile, that glowing face when you used to see anyone of us and hugged us with so many countless blessings. Your pure heart always amazed me that how you can be so calm, composed, loving, full of patience even with those who were never yours. You know you were scintillating beautiful both in and out with a lot of dignity, self-respect, respect, and no proud of anything, very humble. I always felt the emptiness in my life whenever I am away from you. No one was ever able to fill or be able to fill that in the future too. I still remember the childhood time when I used to say to you and Mataram Nani (my great grandmother and the greatest soul I ever came across) that if both of you will leave Earth, and then I will also come along with both of you to stay in the sky. You both went and I am here, trying to gather the courage to accept everything and fill the happiness in the lives of your loved ones particularly Meera. Though for others I can still do but it’s like I can never do anything for Meera. She is a broken heart and making me understand that you don’t be a broken heart.
I can never express in words here what it feels like to let you go. When everyone says to me that you are with us for a little more, I never believed in anyone and kept on saying them to stop believing this as Nani will come back fine at home. I tried hard, mom tried, we all did prayers, we all tried ..… I don’t understand where it all went.
I used to think how people (your fake care takers till the time Meera didn’t come to take care of you) can come here to do postings of your prolonged illness, your battle in the hospital or even when you left us by being so on time in all sorts of promotions and gala events around you as if you are a matter of subject instead of understanding the depth of the situation and that was the time when I don’t even know I was in what condition. People sympathise on the fake care takers because they can do drama and activities on social media and offline are great actors in front of relatives.
I saw your daughter, seriously I don’t know how many know her personally, and I have watched her closely and silently. The one who really wanted you to live long; she is the one who tried since 2000 to make you survive all the odds and not considering her life before you. Even before 2000 also, I know she is the one who was your father, your husband, your son, your all relations, and completed all responsibilities along with you with her whole heart. She is the one who actually took care of you; she didn’t even have time to express her emotions and pain, not even with her children. She never does drama but still she became a highly misunderstood person. She did all for you by heart but poor Meera; no one can ever understand what she really is and how true her heart is.
I really believe in her as the greatest human being and superpower, who tried to give you a happier life. She worked relentlessly by hiding her tears, by becoming stone-hearted and controlling her emotions though she is the one who is in maximum pain watching you in conditions she never expected of. She blamed herself that why she married her brother to a wrong woman who snatched away her Angel for worldly things like money.
God exists in humans, I have seen in Mataram Nani, in you and now your daughter (My Three Musketeers). I will do all good deeds just like all three of you without any expectations from others and try to be the best version of a human being and serve God’s place. If we all take births again, then I will be only your granddaughter. This birth, many false relations came in between both of us and killed my time with you but in our next births (though I really pray that you receive heaven as you are a pure soul and did all good among all odds and hardships), if our next births happen, I will not allow anyone to ruin our exclusive time for sure. I know you loved Meera a lot, I have seen in ICU also, there were two things that I used to hear in first go “Meera” “Radhey Radhey”, then you focus and say Bhavna…. You kept on saying “Bhavna, ruk jaa”, you kept on asking Meera “Bhavna, Delhi chale gayi kya?” It is still heavy deep in my heart that just like mumma I wish I could be there. The moment you realized I was crying in ICU and said to me that “Mat ro, main theek ho kar, ghar aaungi”. People are out of their senses even in little fever and you battled in all senses till last.
Nani, going to school with you, you gave me first chance to teach students of your school at an age of 5 years, having Paan with you, going to Govind Devji Temple, hiding behind your back when mumma is scolding, sleeping alongside you, watching Mahatmas on T.V., eating great lunch and dinner, taking sunbaths in winters, all these memories with you, its unforgettable.
You know not even at home but I used to feel the Princess of Jaipur just because of your existence, now leave Jaipur, I don’t even know whether I will be a Princess at home even. You are not here, it’s unbelievable and hard to express. I remember the night when I just stood up from my Prayer that I used to do to God for you. You left us already I never knew; at 2 A.M. my prayers got completed and I felt a rush of great winds, fluttering of gates in a different manner that was fearing me of something I don’t know, called your brave daughter who still said that “don’t worry, doctors are trying hard”. The morning, I can never imagine my lady who used to take the support of my shoulders while entering the home will come back wrapped in a white sheet. Thinking of the moment still stops the beating of my heart and makes me cry like anything. Now, I understood that before going or leaving the hospital, your soul came home to meet me and Kartik. Earlier, I thought might be some thought but when Kartik told me the same thing the next day (though we used to sleep in different rooms), it turned out to be my true belief in real, you were there, you made us feel your presence. This became my strength. I cannot stop writing for you but with a heavy heart….. Nani, you Rest in Peace, we love you and we know you are there with us forever…. Just one prayer that keep on showering your blessings to your child Meera, she will never show her tears or her feelings to anyone and your child is my everything.
So many things will change now, times, relations, even my life but all these changing seasons will keep on telling me from your side that you are here eternal with us… Badlengi Rituyein Adaa,
Par Aap Rahogi Sada……………