HIMANI GUPTA
It was around sundown, I was walking on my terrace,
Just behind the eaves of the roof there was a mesh net to fill the space.
Creepers were growing around the mesh, running high to get the sky,
But it was a little house afar, which seems to have caught my eye.
I just began to admire its charm, when I heard someone scream,
It was all sweat and shivering hands, when i got up from my dream.
It was an every night affair,
The same dream with a little detail changed here and there.
Reality had hit me harder, it wasn’t easy to comprehend,
Each new day, living with broken amends.
I guess it was just a part of my anxiety,
Oh yes! This one was gifted me by the society.
It was all sugar and cream until I feel a sudden fall,
That one moment of breathlessness will ruin it all.
Suddenly I wound run, run away from my fear,
I will go around finding a safe place, which never happens to be there.
Some will tell me to breathe; some will hold my hand tighter,
Some will sing to me joy, telling me that I am a fighter.
But none of them will know what goes in through my head,
I tried to contain the self-harm that it lead.
And yet another night, yet another fight,
But I will tell myself at least to live I tried.
The same dream will gasp me around my pillowcase,
Oh yes I forgot, this time I saw a face.
The house was on fire, and there was someone in I know,
I couldn’t remember who it was, but I refused to let go.
My eyes were all red, down my spine a shiver I felt,
I clenched my teeth tighter, and I ran down to help.
But the dream broke off; I woke up with a quiver,
I cried and cried for help, wanting myself to be the saver.
Next morning it was, as it’s always been,
I will sit on the bathroom floor, a little anxious, a little torn.
Taps running fast and a pain that I have always known,
I will make a deeper cut, right next to the old one,
This time near my thighs, so it’s seen by none.
I guess some times the wrong marks make you realize,
When you are dead in your head, somewhere you are alive.
And then the nights again will bring back,
The incomplete dream, and the strength that I lack.
This time a little farther I could go,
I could get down the stairs to the other end of the road.
I gathered all my courage to get in through the door,
As I entered I felt the fire and the screams that she roared.
I went in straight, for the first time not scared,
My skin burning like coal, but this time I didn’t care.
I was too close now to save the human burn,
I looked through the house, found no one in turn.
I was surprised and was about to vacate,
When my eyes fell on the other end of the gate.
There was someone on my terrace looking to this side,
What I remember were those coal burnt eyes.
And then yet again,
I woke up with my misery and pain.
The next morning again the routine started,
I was on my bathroom floor with my thighs parted.
Just as about I was going for the knife,
A look in the mirror, resolved my strife.
I drew a deep breath, for the questions I raised,
Today I know what in my dream I chased.
Those eyes, yes I remembered those eyes,
On the either end there the answer lies.
That house was my body, burning to fire,
That pair of eyes were mine with the sunset desire.
On the both ends I was the one, who stood,
One trying to burn, other to save the good.
I was my own saviour,
I could only calm the storms down,
I could choose not to cut; I could choose not to drown.
No guardian angel was coming to save me from hell,
I was supposed to get up every time I fell.
I was my anxiety; I lived in the house that burned,
But I was also the one who could save me in turn.
All of us carry ghosts in our head,
But the lies become truth when on our happiness they are fed.
No more cuts, no more deadly screams,
I will save myself, this time in my dream.