I am more than You see

Jasmeen Chawla

I think I am aware that I might be slowly killing myself. I am feeding on my worst thoughts, I am feeding on my worst habits. Why is being high all the time makes my life easier that I feel my escape is better than reality? Why do I keep choosing people whom I don't ponder? Why am I looking for reasons to find my run away rather than facing my own reality? Where can I find that “someone” who will understand why my urge of escaping all the time is becoming my self destruction?

My days are easier but when the night starts growing deeper and darker I always find my scariest thoughts crawling out of the box inside my head that I had kept a lock on.
I am scared all the time, but not when I have my best friend in my hand; that expensive bottle of wine. There's nothing interesting or redeeming about hating yourself until it kills you. It's the height of narcissism to think that you can atone for damage you caused by making yourself suffer for it, then declaring that the self-inflicted suffering made you a tragic hero.

You can't wallow in the false assumption that you're the only person with problems, you can't acknowledge bad habits but then keep asking to be forgiven for them instead of trying to address them. You can struggle with addiction and mental illness, but you can't use them as an excuse for abusing personal relationships.

“Knowing something is wrong can be “the one unconquerable force” that makes us do it.” There is something very compulsive about my self destructive habits. These help me keep on breathing everyday. My urge to live is inconsequential than keeping my thoughts to myself. I have become that human who can only bring baggage to the table. My emotions unknown to me slowly whisper “there’s no escaping” but I want to.

I need someone who is willing to see what I see,who will tell me “it’s okay to be sad, overwhelmed with uncertainty, anxious, tired, unmotivated. Whatever you are feeling is alright. Let yourself feel it. Find the lesson. Things will get better.” Someone who willingly will dig deeper inside my twisted head full of anger, rage and existential dread emotions.

Existential dread is an emotion that is difficult to explain, it's a feeling that we rarely experience in comparison to happiness, fear or anger. On top of it's rarity, not everyone can verbalize it or express it in a way that others can understand it. It is often misunderstood or interpreted as something else.
Filling you with a dreadful emotion that can be hard to describe. As if you inadvertently peaked at something beyond yourself?

I think It's okay to relapse, but there's nothing heroic about letting your trauma define all that you are.