Submissions open for Beetle Magazine's November Issue

Forever Lost Piece

Adrita Chandra

People often say, a great friend always gives out an incredible and never-ending vibe of togetherness. If you are having one, you must know their importance in your own life, and similarly, you do praise their companionship and remain thankful to them, at the same time. I hope everyone had that one secret place in your house, where you were mostly found in your childhood days, after getting a large scolding from your parents, or when you failed an annual test. Even when others bully you at school, or when you do not have anyone to talk to. They are usually like a storeroom in your house, or that terrace, or even, that attic, which is rarely called, where you visited to “heal”. This kind of place is somewhat, what you own and what you are attracted to. You visit it when you fall in the race of life, or when you are happy about any great things happening in your life, or when you want a clear head, or even when you want someone to listen to you quietly. Where you visit, to throw out your emotional and mental pain. Where you visit, when you remain confused, whether to accept his proposal or to turn your back to him. Where you visit, when your family is not capable of understanding you, and specifically when they purposely deny to, hear you. Ever noticed that, that specific place, somehow becomes your “Rescue palace”. Whenever, confusion or doubt walks back and forth in your mind, they often stand at one place easily, once they get a ray from your “Rescue palace”. You never really try to keep yourselves away from that place, because it helps you breathe, when the whole world kind of gets stuck to your throat and chokes you from inside. It becomes that adrenaline dose, when you fight with your emotions, day and night. It becomes that blood in your veins and keeps you alive, when you loose hope on your life and try to say it goodbye. That “Rescue palace” is your own best friend.

You can say, these best friends are much updated version of your “Rescue palace”, because unlike them, they scold you, holds up your unnecessary emotion as a medium of laughter, and basically eats your head all day, with every kind of unnecessary information and makes sure you agree on her every conclusion by the end of the day. The rules of being a best friend is actually pretty simple, you have to tolerate their tantrums, agree on their decisions and delete those people, whom they hate from your memory, even if you haven’t even saw that person physically. You will have to feed them with good food and donate your white t-shirt to their nasal mucus or stained large tear drops, when they get stupidly betrayed by their love of their life. The thing is you do happily agree to all these brainless conditions, because they become the shelter of your life. Though they seem to be irritating at times, but they are the first one you are reminded of during any sort of difficulties. It often seems like, they have an answer to every question on this earth and even a minute spent with them, washes out every hardships and failure.

The thought of leaving them, never actually crosses your mind, you feel or in fact you know, that no matter what happens, you both are meant to stick together and never leave. Half of your life is where, they live in, and all your memories are where, they lead! But what really happens when that place, suddenly becomes vacant, and you don’t believe in being friends with anyone, anymore. Every hard moment seems like, someone is tearing you apart from inside, and though you are alive, but you no longer bear any feelings of any kind.

I had a Best Friend too, a person who is now missing in this crowd of the millions. I searched for her, in each little and narrow lanes in our city . I visited every park and clubs she used to visit. I spent my rainy nights in front of her house , but she didn't open the door to let me in. She even tore that card which I usually made in all her birthdays and screamed and said, "Never show me this ' you ' again " . From that day, after every hard and easy moments in my life, I miss her. I miss her hands on my shoulder, I miss her scoldings , I miss her smile and the way she cried when I told her about our future where maybe we would be separated , I miss her voice , her screaming and everything of her .

Previously, I was very strong after my breakups and low times , because she was a type of shadow, I always had to prevent me from breaking . Now, when my graph of happiness falls down drastically , I experience maybe the worst days of my life. I wasn't able to tell her , how the hands of my own uncle , to whom I had once looked up as my father , had grabbed my breasts and slipped his dirty hands to other delicate parts of my body. I wasn't able to tell her , how painful it was , when he tried to kiss me forcefully . I wasn't able to her that I was completely and fully broke when my mother said, " This is just a phase every girl goes through, don't tell this to anyone" . I wasn't able to tell her, how difficult it was to fight against the whole family . I wasn't able to tell her , how the person , I was in love with , had thrown me, after tasting his interest . I wasn't able to tell her about those nights when all I could do was to cover my mouth with my pillow and scream loud. I wasn't able to tell her , how pure it felt, when I took my baby brother in my arms for the first time , or when I visited the orphanage to see those little blossoms. I wasn't able to tell her about me , who now wanted to be a writer and explore the new world which has been covered under the dusts of this generation . I wasn't able to tell her, about me , about this girl, who has completely changed herself. About this girl, who doesn't cry on everything now . About this girl, who isn't afraid of the dark and the heights now. About this girl, who doesn't believe in love and adjustments anymore.

I lost her forever . I don't know where did my "Rescue Palace" vanished . I have no place to heal myself now. Sometimes, it really feels too heavy for me to carry all these thoughts . Feels like, someone is tearing my nerves inside , feels like someone has placed the heaviest burden on it. In order to release these, I sometimes go to that psychology department near our house, they insisted me to do it. They said if I remain like this for a long time, maybe I could loose control on myself. I need you . I need you more than you need me .

Please , come back !!


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