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Fitoor

Sumbul Moin

It has been a while since I last saw you
The past few days have gone by in a blur
I can tell because I can't quite remember you
The way your lips curl back into a smile
Or the way your eyes gleam in the sun
How can I? I have only ever met you once
It's bizarre to even say that I love you
But I am dying to see you.

My mom doesn't like you much though
She says I am just fascinated by the idea of you
And it's unwise to be too consumed by something
Mom's quite simple, she believes in the ideal life
Get a degree, a job, a spouse, a kid
'We live before we die', she says
But we both know it's never so uncomplicated
At one point she even mentioned getting clinical help
Poor thing! I must have really been obsessed with you.

After I ran across the street to catch a glimpse of you last time
She followed me like a police dog on trail
And just as I was about to see you, she had me
In the moment's passion I almost got hit by a truck you know
I see why she despises you. But I can't help it
I have to meet you. Properly.

So here I am, locked up in my own room with no escape
Mom refuses to let me out until my brain is tired of pursuing you
Only I know how impossible that is
She thinks I am a prisoner in the room
No, I am a prisoner of my thoughts
So I do what a lover is expected to do.

The stainless steel blade feels cold on my palm
But the burning desire to see you gets the better of it
I hold it against my wrist, over the vein- green and pulsating
A deft agile move and there is a gash- quick, deep, clean
Sweet pain gushes out from the faucet to my barrel of hurt
I let out a silent chuckle. Or a gasp. I can't decide.
Inevitably, I think of mom
Of how she saved me from the truck just in time
Of how I thought it would finally hit me
How I wished my timing was better than hers!
But no one's stopping me this time.

I hope she understands why I did it
And I wish she knows that there was nothing she could do to stop me
That there was nothing she ever did to make me do it
I don't cling to the idea long enough for I might regret doing this
And I don't want to go with regrets.

I am cold and white and numb
My head spins, my arm throbs and everything is hazy
It's like I am resting on a beach near the shore
Except the sea is a pool of blood, beautiful nonetheless
I wish I could explain the intricate details of dying
The calmness, the serenity, the peace
But my world is collapsing fast every passing second
Vaporising from the corners into nothing
We live before we die!
Hah! We live because there's nothing worth dying for
All of us die a little every day
I just catalysed the process
Because I was dying to see you
And now, I am dying to see you.


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