By Tanya Kaur
“Yahaan sab kuch hai maa phir bhi lage bin tere mujhko akela”
Over time I figured
loneliness hardly ever creeps in due to
absences:
An absence of people
Or an absence of activities
Or an absence of friends
Or an absence of lover (s)
Or an absence of self-esteem?
It never was about absence at all, Tanya! It was about a lingering presence!
Loneliness was always an over-spillage of presence
A presence I had, and that remains still, in essence;
A presence I hadn’t yet materially chanced upon yet.
The fruit of a prolonged existence;
an existence, albeit, marred by happiness.
Marred because I am spoilt rotten
Now that I know the taste of it.
Loneliness: The present memories of a distant joy
An unmeasurable distance between the two
A permanent rainbow on the horizon
Rainbow because you once experienced it
And now its existence rings in your bones
Its presence is too loud, it overflows your corporeal bounds.
You are a patchwork holding all the joy that was once poured into you
Afraid of never finding anything like it again.
To be terribly alone
Entails the presence of a quiet void
A well gurgling to the brim with conversations,
Only an army of dedicated millions could empty it.
Empty, because I am so full of love for you,
So up to the brim that
The possibility of a company is lost to me.
—“I don’t know what to do with all the love I have for her”