By Paras Dogra
Was I always a man? Yes, I was born with dysphoria,
As a kid, I saw myself as male, But- Was I always a man?
Sometimes, I felt like a man,
I identified myself a trans man,
Dreamed of transitioning,
Female to male, But still- Was I always a man?
While Loving a man, I saw myself as a man
So Identified as gay, But when I closed my eyes- Was I always a man?
Songs played, a woman's voice sang, I became her, Her love, her longing, her softness,
But then, A man's voice took the stage, And I became him, His strength, his power, his desire.
And yet- Was I always a man?
There were days I felt beautiful, Womanly, radiant from within,
With nothing to wear, I would steal my mother’s makeup, her jewels.
Other days, I ached to be the most handsome, the most macho.
But still- Was I always a man?
I buried these feelings,
Hid behind the mask of a gay trans man,
Denied the truth for years. Why, you ask? Because society whispered: "Trans men cannot be feminine."
Because love seemed impossible, Men loved only one version of me.
Because the world would label me a freak.
So, I hid.
But then, in 2024, Everything changed.
I met someone, brief but profound,
They showed me my beauty, My genderfluidity, my truth.
In that moment, I saw my lie unravel.
I stopped chasing the binary,
And began the journey to my authentic self. The day I wore makeup with my beard and moustache,
I looked in the mirror- For the first time, I saw me.
Not a pretender. Not a fragment. But whole.
To the world, I say this: Not all trans people live in the binary.
Gender is a spectrum, Vast, infinite, divine.
Trans is beautiful.
Transness is divine.
And one last question: Was I always a man? Perhaps not. But I was always me.