Vermillion

By Tirna Sarkar 

As I went around the fire and wore the vermillion, my life changed overnight. 
I was no longer a woman who could do whatever she wanted, I became answerable to everyone. 
In the breaking of dawn, when I woke up from nightmares, I asked myself, 'Is this really the life I signed up for?' 

To be fed and clothed, but only on someone else’s terms. 
To walk and live under someone else’s roof, obeying all their rules. 
All my mundane habits became bad habits.
All my friends drifted away.

I found myself in the middle of an ocean, surrounded by sharks, with one specific shark that had a venomous bite. 
I knew how to swim, yet I was drowning in the sea of great expectations, and I feared, 'Can my shoulders really carry that heavy a weight?’ 
In the bleak house, there were hard times. 
And I wondered, would I end up as another Miss Havisham?

I collected some pearls, kept them in my pouch, but then that shark came and bit the pouch, and all the pearls scattered. 
When I cried in the dead of the night, the ocean waves drowned out the sound of my sobs, almost concealing me, protecting me from the sharks. 
When I finally landed on the shore, I had to walk on hot sand without slippers, and the sharks were still jeering at me.

Someone held my hand – and then they dropped it, choosing instead to catch one of the sharks, leaving me alone. 
I see no silver lining. 
I am trapped in my own mind, in a labyrinth of passages that keep leading back to the same house. I can’t escape this, even if I try.

I am still afraid of sharks, still afraid of the bites.
But I am not afraid of the ocean. 
It still beckons me, inviting me to swim among its waves and dolphins.