By Stuti Bagchi
Rags.
A torn Mickey Mouse shirt, a stained green skirt.
Flesh and a few tired bones.
Her dirt-streaked face was
pressed to my car's window,
peering in,
her lips mouthed-
"Pens for ten, sister.
Or you want a balloon?
Just twelve..."
Her age couldn't have been any more
either.
The little girl's little fingers
barely managed to keep a hold
of the big red balloons.
I didn't notice much, though.
Not then.
I didn't notice much of anything.
Today's exam had sucked.
I couldn't remember the mirror formula
try as I might.
And I kept mixing up the AC and DC motors-
so my head steamed.
I clutched my bag over my crumpled skirt
and kept my face away
from the window,
from the rippling balloons.
The driver had to take me home quick.
The traffic light was going to blink a loud green;
and he shooed her.
He shooed them all-
the ones who couldn't walk,
the ones with the shredded faces,
the ones too old to remember their names-
bent malnourished grandmas
with sallow skin
and silver nose rings.
I usually slipped them a rupee
from my canteen money.
But nothing for the kid.
The driver humphed threateningly,
and it was all the recognition she got.
She banged hard.
Once, twice, against the glass;
a few of her pens slid to the road.
And I had to look.
I had to see those eyes.
God.
Those eyes.
On a little girl.
One couldn't see,
one I couldn't bear to see.
It shimmered with pain,
the kind
even an apathetic schoolgirl couldn't ignore.
It broke my heart-
the angry glaze
the desperation.
It broke my heart,
and something slapped me.
Or I wish it had.
Because my chest didn't feel right.
I worked my dry mouth open towards the tiny face-
but I was still silent
when the car drove away
in a rush,
with one of her pens rolling under.
I was silent.
Burning inside.
Shame, I think.
Shame I didn't feel
I would ever deserve.
That busy afternoon,
I was forced to turn.
I'd never turned before,
for anyone,
yet I had to look
through the maze of honking cars.
I had to look
for the eyes I wish I hadn't seen
and a heart-shaped balloon
fluttering in the summer wind.