Bala Sreedevi
I looked at him lying still in the glass box.
Wait, I can see him blinking his eyes.
Let’s take him out, he’s still alive.
He can’t leave without telling us goodbye!
I went close to him and called him, Acha,
He didn’t open his eyes or look at me.
I waited a while longer with hope.
For the first time in my life, I am feeling this.
Is this what is called death?
Or could this be one of his pranks?
I kept staring at him, waiting for his smile.
Hours passed, he was there, lying still.
Not a blink, not a smile! Just stillness!
I felt angry at him, I wanted to wake him up!
“You will move ahead and the pain will fade away.”
I didn’t look up when I heard someone say.
My eyes were stuck on him,
Hoping to see him blinking again,
Hoping for his ‘I pranked you’ smile.
Just once more, I wished to see him smile,
Just once more, I wanted to laugh with him.
I felt the lump growing heavier in my throat.
I wanted to talk, to pour out my pain,
But what in the world would I say?
My pain was not normal, like my love for him!
I didn’t want to turn it into any ordinary words.
For those who listen, it’s just a story,
But for me, it’s my life that went still.
No words can absorb what I feel or,
How special the bond I had with him was.
I don’t want this pain to be normalised,
Because it was never normal,
he was beyond that to me!
It’s not the way anyone else would feel.
“I too went through this. This too shall pass.”
I didn’t look up when I heard someone say.
Nothing will pass; nothing will ever.
I don’t want this ache to pass through me.
I want to preserve it, wrapped in silence.
I want him to dwell in me, at least as this pain,
A pain no time can ever heal.
A loss I can never truly recover from.
I won’t let him be just a passing cloud in my life.
I’d rather trap him inside me and endure this ache.
I didn’t want to scream or cry and let it out,
I want him to stay, even if it’s as this pain,
Even if it’s as this loss; the greatest one.
All I wish for now is a few more moments with him.
If I could, I would have prayed to God,
To bring him back to me, just for a few hours.
I wanted to hug him and say the things unsaid,
The love unexpressed, the gratitude never shown.
He was everything I wanted to become.
“Don’t shed tears, let him go peacefully.”
I didn’t look up when I heard someone say.
How could I ever let him go,
When all I have is him in my life?
How could I ever forget,
When everything I learned was from him?
When I sing, I remember him,
The songs we sang together, our favourites.
When I draw, I see him ,
The way he taught me to sketch with ease.
When I read, I feel him near me,
The one who led me into the world of words.
When I drive, I hear his voice saying with a smile,
“Driving is an art; enjoy it, not everyone does.”
When I watch a movie, I think of him,
The times we laughed watching our favourites.
When I teach, I think of him proudly,
What a good teacher he was.
And when I close my eyes to sleep,
I hear the lullabies he sang.
I wanted to scream out loud and ask everyone,
How can I ever walk through this loss?
But I didn’t utter a word.
I couldn’t shed a tear.
I carry him inside me, as this pain,
The pain of having had the best father in the world.