By Anam Kazmi
They called her “Nirbhaya.”
(One without Fear)
As a woman,
I dream of never being called Nirbhaya.
I want you to know that becoming her is my greatest fear.
I want you to know that I am perpetually terrified and scared:
of getting on a bus and never making it back home,
of slowly bleeding out in the streets alone,
of encountering the kind of men
who take perverse pleasure in a woman’s pain.
I want you to know I am afraid of iron rods and steel pipes.
I want you to know I am afraid of going on evening walks and going out for late-night drives.
I want you to know my heart almost stops every time a stranger walks behind me in the dark.
I want you to know my anxiety shoots through the roof any time I am the only woman in a room, inside a lift, at a shop, or a park.
I want you to know that I know that I could easily become Nirbhaya any day,
despite all the safety measures and precautions that I take,
despite all the trouble I go through to keep myself safe.
Do not call me Nirbhaya.
I would rather not become India’s daughter,
or India’s sister, or mother, or wife, for that matter.
Daughters are murdered inside their mother’s womb here.
Sisters are evoked derogatorily by men to insult each other.
Wives are allowed to be legally sexually assaulted by their husbands.
And mothers are not spared either…
Neither is a new-born baby or a bed-ridden grandmother.
Do not call me Nirbhaya.
I would rather not be called a brave girl.
I do not want my name to become a symbol.
I do not want my suffering to be a nation’s wake-up call.
I would rather not inspire a movement or start a revolution.
I do want to take on the patriarchy, ‘re’claim the night, and think of a solution.
I do not want to have to beg and scream and shout and convince you why
I, too, deserve dignity and basic human rights.
I would rather not...
I am far too tired to fight,
too tired to do anything and be anything
more than
just a woman.
As a woman,
let me live and die in peace.
And if it’s not too much to ask for…
Do not ever call me “Nirbhaya,” please.