In Search of Love

By Oishi Roy

I grew up believing that love must be earned
I grew up dreaming of a love for which I yearned
"Why would someone love me if I could be of no use?"
I berated myself at every corner, a love so rare I couldn't afford to lose
I ignored my needs when there was a chance at love
I crossed boundaries without thought, like Columbus
I feared abandonment and froze at the slightest of hints
I went into overdrive as I tried to pull all the strings

But, like all paradoxes—and I'm no exception—
I abandoned myself at every intersection
I blamed my parents for years
I drowned in self-pity while I fought through the tears
But guess what I learned when I shifted gears:
That parents are human, with their baggage and fears
I discovered that there's hurt in every heart
Sometimes circumstances get the better of us
Despite best intentions, we make mistakes
If I were in their shoes, would I have done the same?
But I know better now—these lessons I must remember
For when I'm in their place, I must do better

For now, I'm learning to treat myself with grace and those around me
I'm learning to be mindful while I search for clarity
I try to look at myself with the love that I yearned for, for so long
And I'm learning to recognize the love I receive, which was there all along.