By Hita Hejmadi
Have you always wondered how,
The bloke who couldn’t manage deep squatting,
6 months ago,
Now hollers, “Give me 10 push-ups, no stopping,
Push it, c’mon, activate your core yo!”?
Have you ever wished that,
Gym goers have that special kind of admiration for you,
Or the Army Veteran in a newsboy cap,
Asks you to check his posture and tell him if there is a gap,
As he practices his Romanian deadlifts?
That the security guard of the building,
Looks at you with aspirational longing,
And Neelu’s boyfriend wants to crush your face,
With the sweat-coated 12kg kettlebell,
And watch you writhe while dying?
Would you like it when you saunter in with confidence,
The other trainers say “Pah, arrogance?"
Do you respond to greetings with a quick raise of brows,
And a half nod – a move that took you 6.2 hours of practice,
In front of your all-purpose mirror with rusty patches?
Oh, do you want to take off your jacket and throw it with abandon,
On the duffel bag, and walk towards the group that dreams on,
Of a ripped body, a longer life, eternal youth and a better sex drive?
Do you want them to drink your instructions, cling to every word you utter,
Words carefully crafted to make them believe that they strive?
Do you like to pretend to be oblivious to the reflection,
Of your chiseled body in the huge mirror that may crack?
Or swallow the bile of guilt that rises within, and get them started.
With warm up that are called spot jogging and jumping jacks.
And bark at them to activate the hip, joints and all else that is inactivated?
How do you think it feels when people complain of ankle injuries,
And you grapple in your mind with the right stretches to prescribe?
“Apply ice”, will you blurt and add, “Maybe your shoelaces are too tight?"
Do you decide to google your solutions later that day as an afterthought?
What if you forget the next day who had the injury? The one who’s jumping funny?
Will your mind shriek and your brain jump out of its circuit, all shaky,
When the senior lady in a tee that reads ‘I love burpees’
Asks you “What’s the exercise for my ankylosing spondylitis?"
Can you throw her a disarming smile and whisper to her, husky,
“You look so fit, now tell me, are you really going through this?"
What if the next day when you reach, throw your jacket with abandon.
Walk towards the group that is thirsty for your fitness wisdom.
You see the burpees lady in a tee that reads ‘Don’t Cheat’?
Does she say she wants to feel better, with her hands on her hips
And you involuntarily mutter something like “Give me triceps dips?"
What if you see her motionless after her first dip, and she whispers to you,
“I should have known you know nothing, you fraud, nincompoop?"
Do you say “’I’ll get you some water”, pick your bag and run to the loo,
Walk through the exit with your chin high, give the security guard that half-nod.
And go to a new building the next day to claim, “I can help you get a hot bod?"