By Tanushi Singh
When I was young I did not know
A lot of times all I needed was to utter a single syllable - No
Invariably I fell over and over
until I learnt the golden rule :
Take your stand and hold your own
Unaware on how to hold my ground,
toxicity spread its arms and legs
around me suffocating my being
making me incessantly conscious
incessantly scared, everytime
I attempted to just be.
To all the friendships that turned toxic in the name of love
where I was supposed to be the friend they always needed me to be
where the lines blurred between obsession ,affection and need
where the one sided lover guised as a friend wanted more than friendship despite knowing I was not available : already taken,you see.
But nothing stopped them.
Pushing limits to make me weak
vulnerable whilst their feelings lay bare
out in the open in front of all to see
Was I supposed to feel special?
But all I felt was being stuck.
Unable to draw the line between friendship and their love
I questioned my unnecessary sufferings
whilst all I had tried to do was find my people amidst living on my own
I wondered if this is what is growing up whilst being free
as I'd felt everything but free !
To all the boys who looked at me
like I was a fancy object ready to be negotiated as per their lustful needs.
I stood aware of every gaze sinking into my flesh making me feel weak.
I don't know when I stopped being me
under the constant guise of being that girl
who was talked about between groups as a joke or dare about who can have her?
""I'm sure she must be good to feel"".
I lost respect.
I lost myself through the boys who
wanted me like I'm an enjoyable treat.
Those years of loose talk and stares made an impact deeper than I could fathom then, you see.
To all the monsters who found their way to make me feel small and powerless
ashamed of the person I was to them
like the insane stalker who followed me daily to the old man who tried to befriend by luring with gifts and money.
like the Professor who used his position to bully me all throughout college to fill his insatiable malicious glee
I stood helpless and confused
Why would they target me ?
Do I look like someone who can easily be swayed by these ?
To the monster who touched and felt me in a lift one day .I felt used. Abused.
All I wanted was to flee.
What was wrong with me ?
Why was I made to repeatedly feel as if I hold no respect no dignity.
Slowly but surely I drowned whilst
consumed by indefinite emotions
I did not know the way out.
I did not know how to be.
I lost track of losing my freedom.
Caged.Watched at every move.
To all those who had chained me :
I'm free today.
I no longer feel like an item ready to woo or see.
I no longer feel obliged to follow those I love
I choose who I want to be
I no longer let anyone overpower my choices
Found myself through each cage.
Unlearn.Own my story.
Find strength through the labyrinth of lost glory.
Today I'm free.
It took me years to understand
there was nothing wrong with me
but everything wrong with them and how they were raised.
What were their parents showing them whilst growing up?
Therein lies the problem.
Not me.