By Devanshi Khandelwal
Scared to live, scared to die
When I think of you, I think about the times that I have cried.
People say crying means you are hurt,
But it isn’t you who has hurt me—
It's the pain of knowing that one day you won’t be here to hug me,
It’s the pain of knowing that I won’t be able to caress my head against your heart that has always loved me.
I remember when I was young, how you used to bring me all the gifts in the world,
Or the time when I was at Nani’s and you sent a big package full of Barbies.
I remember the time when you went on a business trip and brought back a beautiful blue dress with a zip.
I know you love me to the moon and back,
But the burden of this unfathomable love has left a crack.
I know you see me as an extraordinary person,
But this expectation has left me uncertain—
Uncertain about the lack of potential behind the curtain.
I know people crave such love, such comfort, and it's all very nurturing,
But for me, it's injuring.
I don’t deserve such love, I believe.
I cannot achieve; I only deceive.
When I remember all this, I feel like a sinking ship,
With my pillow carrying the burden of the leaking nip.
I am scared that I won’t make you proud,
I am scared to say what I feel out loud,
I am scared that one day your silence will be vowed.