By Shreya Singh
I am a bit of a hoarder,
Not a bit, actually
(always commit to the bit)
It’s a little severe
I am like a dragon in those fairy tales
Except I am not as majestic as one,
I am a puny little human
And I don’t have a princess or prince
Trapped in my tower
I don’t even have a tower,
I have a memory box, which is nothing fancy
It’s just a shoe box really
I have pictures in my phone,
My storage is full and my phone hangs up every now and then
I have moments in my head that I revisit willingly or unwillingly
But I am not a picky hoarder, I want both the good and the bad memories
So I have a bubble wand with those tiny lil windmills
And another bubble wand with a knockout figurine of batman
And I have some scars on my arm
I kiss them to say goodnight,
And I caress them habitually: it’s comforting somehow
I don’t want my scars to disappear
Them embedded in my skin reminds me that all is real
Otherwise my days pass in a daze,
They blow away like the smoke of a cigarette,
All I can feel is mind numbingly dull and a persistent need for sleep,
I do not know if the sky is sunny or cloudy,
I did not know what it is you had said,
I am drowning all noise out,
I am drowning in music: good music
Everything feels surreal
I want my scars to disappear,
They expose my vulnerability for all to see
People look at my little habit-hoarding amusingly,
Some even find it endearing
I think I picked hoarding habit from my dad,
He likes collecting boxes ,notepads and diaries
people look at my lil trinkets and smile knowingly
A naïve little child that’s what she is
I think I got my naivety from my dad too
Maybe the two of us have a genetic propensity for being conned
Or maybe we are not naïve ,we are just big hearted
We are people who are willing to love others,
I cannot fathom why my dad does so
But I do it for my own benefit
I have a lot of love to give,
If I keep it all in, I will burst
People look at my little destructive habit: disapprovingly,
With concern and disbelief,
They ask me why I do it
How do I tell them that I want a scar as souvenir
I feel like it narrates stories that I cannot myself divulge
Sometimes that scar is the only reminder
That I was present, I was there
I had lived that moment
I can see my friends, I can my life
But it all appears distorted to me
I can feel my pulse
But I feel disconnected from my own self
I am such a person
I stagger through life
But I hold a tight grip over my staggering friend
I myself am incoherent, confounded
But I try to find the right words to comfort him
I am such a person
I am reluctant to delete pictures from years ago
I have kept a chocolate wrapper as a keepsake
I still have the half of a heart keychain I gave
To a friend I don’t really talk to anymore
When I laid eyes on you, I knew I was irreparably and irrevocably fucked,
But I always follow my heart and my heart led me to you
I know people walk in and walk out of your life
And you too can walk out of this house
Take all the stuff you want
The fridge, the sofa, the TV
Just leave behind the photo album for me
It will be enough, it will suffice
I should have something to show
For all the time we had together
I am such a person
When the scab started to fade, I panicked
When the scab started to fade, I picked on it
It’s okay if the tiny flame did not turn into a blazing flame,
It’s okay if the flame within me became exhausted,
It’s alright if the flame went out,
But atleast leave a mark
Was all of it for nothing?
It rained today-
Rainy days always put me in an inexplicably good mood,
And you know,
Sunny days aren’t all that bad,
My being scintillates with light
And I meld into sunshine
A hike up the hill left me with a raging heartbeat
A consequence of exhilaration, fatigue and fear
I felt very conscious of my own being
I didn’t even need to put my hand on my heart,
My heartbeat rang in my ears,
I know I was there, I knew I was present,
I knew I was living that moment
People get deep ass reflections, realisations when are atop a hill
I realised that I don’t need my scars to validate my existence after all
I can sing so hard, my throat would go raw,
I can dance so hard, that I can feel my body ache
I am someone with both scars and warmth in my heart
I might be a puny human
One without a tower
One that lacks a captive
But I have my treasures, I have my memories
It’s a rather impressive collective
I am a dragon at heart
One has that has the courage to love,
One that can embrace the pain that comes with love,
Maybe, I am majestic after all