By Renee Mohan
With a swollen face,
and red-soaked eyes,
crying for 24 hours straight
'cause you were no longer mine.
Everyone around me said,
"Let it go, it's over, walk away."
And I knew it too, in my bones,
but also that I loved you beyond hopes.
Hearing you say,
"I don't wanna talk, she'll ruin my morning,"
my tears seized,
and my heart went numb.
Tearing your photo apart,
along with the letters I wrote,
smashed all your gifts
across the floor.
Felt like someone went down my throat,
reached for my heart, and pulled it out,
'cause it had your name written
all around.
Couldn't feel anything—no pain,
just an emptiness,
wanting to cry,
but no more tears left to shed.
Let out all my frustration in a text
to which you replied with a single dot.
My hands started shaking at the sight of it,
rushed to my room to hide myself.
I felt my world crashing down,
unable to cry or even utter a word,
feeling everyone's better off without me,
as if I had no place in the world.
Opportunities came my way
which I welcomed with open arms.
Ended up submerging myself into a hell of work,
leaving no time to feel.
It took every ounce of my body
to make me feel okay, to walk on my feet,
to get up from bed
and work my way through the day.
Days went by, weeks, months—
but for how long could I run away?
Found myself in a hospital bed,
crying my eyes out, 'cause you were all I could recollect.
Your arms were my home,
your voice my saviour,
your presence my life,
and your love my future.
But now here I was, longing for that
home-cooked pasta and forehead kisses,
cuddles and carnations,
which you promised if I ever got sick.
Couldn't shake the feeling
that you're not here with me anymore,
'cause I still felt you running
through my veins.
After a week, I was okay—
able to walk, to talk, to stand on my own.
Which ended up changing my face,
and also the people around me.
I could feel that they knew my pain,
they knew I was messed up,
they knew I needed help,
but they also knew I’d have to do it alone.
Life still wasn’t done stealing things from me.
Lost a few of my friends,
being the collateral damage as always,
unable to validate my cry for help.
But then life took a different turn—
it was filled with hope,
happiness and laughs,
some forced, some on their own.
But when you refused to catch me as I fell,
I shattered like pieces of glass on the floor,
which slit through the skin of
every other laugh I wore.
All the hurt turned into anger,
and I hated you from my core.
Cursed you in moments
for every lie you told.
All our laughs and smiles
were locked away in my brain.
Only the pain you caused,
and what you put me through, remained.
Had a lot of questions in my head—
"Why? What? How could you?"
But never had the courage to ask,
'cause I was already drained.
You were embedded in my soul,
on me, which took a toll.
Rebuilt myself from scratch,
without you written everywhere.
Went on a trip I had yearned for years,
saw you in it when I had you then.
There I was, one beer down,
thinking nothing but, "How was I not enough?"
Stared at our pics, envious and broken.
Could feel the love and those smiles at most,
but couldn’t recognise you in them anymore—
as if you were a ghost.
I swore to myself I’d never talk to you again,
but all that rage went under the rug.
And I found myself introducing me to you over a text,
like I was someone you never hugged.
You called and we talked.
I lost my cool, but you managed to handle it.
Asked you the most dreadful question:
"Did you ever even love me?"
You tried to comfort me with your truth,
which I was unable to trust.
Knowing that you still hug the penguin
made me feel distantly loved.
You lost your license,
and I gave a weed leaf to a dog.
We both laughed again together—
like lost lovers abroad.
I wasn’t able to forgive you,
'cause forty-five minutes for months of pain
wasn't an even trade.
But all the anger went away.
Opened the doors to the laughs we once shared,
the dance you did to put a smile on my face,
every time you stayed when I broke apart,
and when you kissed me and held me close in your arms.
At once, you made me the happiest
I ever thought I could be.
Being civil with you, instead of hating,
was a trade I was willing to make.
The home, the kids, the love that we shared—
"one man my entire life"—
is the fairytale ending
which now I grieve.
Like the store’s signboard said,
"Once broken, consider yours."
You’ll always have a part of me, assured.
"Until next time…"
waiting for life to unfold its mystery.
From friends to lovers,
lovers to gut-wrenching pain—
you could never be a stranger
in my story, untamed.