By Saptara Mandal
I know you feel guilty,
You couldn't have possibly known
You just sent your little girl to play with the neighbour.
I didn't know either
Too young probably to realise
That what happened to me that day wasn't okay.
Or maybe I did,
Just a little bit,
So I dealt with it in my own way.
Buried those memories deep in my mind,
And it worked well enough for a while,
Till they resurfaced again and the world suddenly started to look hostile.
I know you probably felt guilty
When I thought of talking my own life
But it's been a few years since I tried that,
I have been okay for a while.
But I wasn't okay that night,
When I told the truth to you,
I know it must have been difficult to confront - but the last thing I expected was a dismissal from you.
You couldn't confront the reality so you turned me away,
I was heartbroken that night but I had nothing more to say.
So I pick up my pen to write but my hands shake
As I try to find the perfect words to describe that it was really just a mistake
You didn't want to turn me away - you were hurting too
And trust me, I know that but that night I really needed you.
You felt guilty that night
Today I feel guilty too
For penning down my complaints
Because talking about it more would end up hurting you.
But I'm willing to live with that guilt,
What I am not willing to do is to keep all of it in
And let those memories consume me from within.
I don't know how to rid myself of that memory,
I don't know if writing about it would finally set me free,
But I do hope that with this poem we can allow ourselves to feel a little less guilty.