BY BUSHRA KHATRI
My grieving self felt like it had been stuck in one point
The world moving forward without a second thought to my involvement in it
Giving me glimpses into my self image from the bereaved glasses
Never remembering the not so dull moments
Just feeling like life had failed me or I had failed at living
My happy self on the other hand felt like it's on a rollercoaster,
Laughing, enjoying and winning at all the twist and turns
Never falling, never flailing
Always moving forward
The all or none nature of my emotions always bothered me
It's never slightly grieving or slightly happy or slightly sad
It's either I'm over the moon or swimming in a volcano
Until I decided to look deep
To feel the feelings
To tinker with my thoughts
Understand the misunderstood
My happiness was not followed by contentment
It was followed by greed
A hunger for more
A thirst to sweeten all the sour and unfair experiences
I couldn't just let my momentary happiness lay still
Existing like a butterfly in an endless flower field
But I wanted to cause ripples in it
Trying to see how far my happiness would stay satiated
Sometimes guilt brew in my happiness
Like a pinch of salt in the sugary tea
Sometimes Jealousy stood along with sadness
Making me curse the unfairness existing in the justified
Most of the time fear accompanied my anger
A couple that led me on a path to destruction within myself
Making me feel like an airplane unable to leave the hangar
Then there was hurt mingling with shame and guilt
Along with an everlasting feeling of "I'm the worst" & "why is it always me"
And disappointment somehow always laying there hidden with my confusion and happiness
Like a spy ready to reveal my weakness
Waiting to make the high and mighty crumble and fall
Meeting them made me finally understand the unions of the most unlikeliest pairings of emotions
My emotions were never lonely
They were acquainted with some,
Friends with some,
And enemies with some
Now all that remains is accepting the myriad of existing emotions within me
It is beautiful