By Riya Gahlot
1.I saw it
I saw it all mother
How your smile and laughter never reached your soulless eyes
How they did not even blink
When the waves of tears streamed uncontrollably down your face
How you let them fall freely unheeding
How even breathing hurt you
I saw it all
2.I saw it
How you wept alone
How when he died, a part of you died too
How you yearned to hear his voice just for once
How you used to smell his clothes to feel his presence
How you begged his cold lifeless body to talk to you
Which laid out in the Verandah enclosed in colourless clothes
But he did not leave the comfort of eternal sleep
His stubborn closed eyes and lips as blue as the sky that night remained unmoved
What you touched that night, you might had it
But his soul had been long gone
Beyond the supreme clouds and out of our reach
3.Nani became both blind and deaf to her surroundings
Our cries did not reach her ears
We all became strangers to her abstracted gaze
Which seemed to stare off far beyond the horizon
Searching resolutely for something unattainable
All endeavours of tears to escape were proved to be futile
Her lips unlearned all words
As her heart froze
Like the air that night in insurmountable grief
4.The house that he had abandoned fell into an aching silence
The air became poisonous and smothering
Only his glasses, his motorcycle, his medicines,
His black sandals and his ironed white clothes remained
His phone rang within the confines of his cupboard
That will never be received by him again
His room once enveloped by his warmth
Still glows like the stars of summer nights
On which nani would used to rub his warm feet
But now the chilly air of every November will forever be piercing
Like the flames which embraced him
5.People came everyday with their condolences
Mother, you went from denying the agonizing truth
To become utterly silent as if you felt nothing at all
I remember when you woke up in the middle of that night
Claiming that you heard his voice calling out for you
As if he wanted to make his presence felt to his favourite child
I wonder if he was cold and lonely that night
I wonder if his heart cried too
Watching us, as we longed for him
I wonder if he was there with us that night
6.Now, three winters have vanished by since we have heard his voice
The only thing we hear now
Are the loud whispers of people about how his family have fallen apart
How the black Hat of the family has finally made its presence known
And who was thought of as a serpent turned out to be an ewe
I wonder if it was watching his family gradually turning into ashes before he did
Is why his heart gave out
But we will never know
As he departed from our lives without saying any words
We will never know as we pine for him in the aftermath
7.Now, I see you mother
How you wear your invisible pain like a soldier
How your eyes always linger a little too long on his uncreased clothes
I asked you “why do you want to give them away?”
You said “what else should I do with them? They only remind me more of him.
He is always on my mind. They only remind me more of what I have lost.”
Caught a glimpse of you writing in your diary the other night
How you could never let go of him
No matter how many summers and winters fades by
How he will never meet what I and my brother will become
How you cannot wait to wither away and be incinerated
As the absence of his shadow in your life has devoured yours existence