Beyond the Horizon: Tracing Paths of Remembrance

BY RITU JAKHAR

16/03/24
Hello, aunty.
Is Astha there? Been quite a while since we talked.
I sense unease once more,

Familiar sensations, hoping intuition's wrong.

27/05/06
I sensed something amiss,

Lost excitement in the playful banter,

Guests flooding the hall,
My favorites present, yet distant I feel.
A lady, draped in red and gold,
Yet, nostrils and ears packed with cotton,

Silenced lips, closed eyes?

Didn't you enjoy my birthday cake just a day before?
I’m sorry I won’t force you eat it again
It's time for your medication,

see I remember correctly which ones for the night,
I swear, I didn't even ask mom.
I remember no one ate that night,

Sent away to the neighbor's,

Even they refrained.

Hushed with 'you're just a kid’,
Yet, I recall the raw taste lingering.
I hope you know papa arrived 2 days later
Travelling far, somewhere in the deserts
Bus, jeep, truck, unreserved trains, he tried his best
Yet duty-bound by his uniform.

But could a mother's heart halt,

Or did you forget your duty as a mother?

Couldn't you wait for your son?
The following day, they lit the pyre,
Alone in the vast house,

The void overwhelming,
The feeling of nothingness,
the loss palpable.
They say you must be in relief now.
I didn’t cry,
they assumed I was too young to understand
but haunting memories persist,
I can draw every single detail from that night

Fast Forward to today
I met one of your friends
She recognised me,
No, she doesn’t know my name
But she said you look exactly like your grandmother
Oh how much she prayed for you
Your revered aid to all,

The village echoes your greatness,

Yet, their gaze shifts to me,

Love abundant, surpassing kin,

Leaves me questioning my worthiness.

How do I debunk their illusions?

I'm not you,
Efforts to aid only worsen,

Attempts at love yield hurt.

I strive but falter,

Betraying those I hold dear,

Betraying you.
I couldn’t reciprocate.
So I turn to the wisdom of ages past,
seeking solace in the words of Marcus Aurelius,
"You are just a man," a mantra to soothe the restless soul,
Our sole hazy picture together,

Unclear, unrefined,

I possess the best camera but lack restoration skills,
Did bhai become an archaeologist just for this?
You shielded me like no other
You had a magic wand
Turning impossible to reality
I need it now
I need it now

20/06/11
Goodbye, take care, and try to be a little less stubborn.

You placed your palm on my head, gave me the tightest hug,

And departed.

I watched the car fade from the yard.
21/06/11

Praying for your good health, I witnessed the car's return.
But who advised you against coming back?
Didn’t you foresee none could handle my antics like you?

Or was I simply a difficult child, overlooked even by God?

Who will rejoice over my ₹500 cash prize as if it were worth millions,

And proudly tell the world?

The shopkeeper uncle inquired about you,

And once again, I was left speechless.

How do I explain to him that the person who used to get me ten chocolates on asking for one

Has left me in despair?
But fret not, I have a few snapshots with you,

And your vintage camera.

However, mumma gave away the dress you bought me,

And I argued with her, as she claimed it was worn out.

Concealing her tears, haunted by your memories,

She’s never been the same since, nanu.

In between, I crafted numerous memories and bid farewell to a few.

16/03/24,
I notice you haven't glanced at the reels I shared,
No response to my calls.
Angrily, I dial aunty,
"Where is she? She's not answering my call," I utter.
Wait, not again,
Not even once more.
I know it’s not a good feeling
The same unease grips me,
hoping my intuition’s wrong
Aunty breaks into tears,
No words remain unspoken.
I'm left speechless, grappling with the news,
Your departure a secret, a grief to peruse.
You departed on 17th Feb, yet I learned on the 16th of March.
I revisit our conversations,
The last reel asked, "Life's going to get really good?"
And you responded, "Yes."
Was this your idea of 'good'? I ponder,
Reflecting on our messages.
The events of that night remain shrouded in mystery,
No witnesses, no evidence,
Just the solitude of 4 in the morning.
Didn't I urge you to quit that night shift plight?
But you postponed, "Next month," you'd cite.
They say you weren't wearing a helmet?
Anger simmers within me,
How could you be so careless?
I referred to you as Henry, and myself as Oswald, but deep down, we knew you were the wisest.
The thought of riding a scooty fills me with dread,
Flashbacks haunt my sleep.
When will we visit the art show, postponed in vain?
Wherever you roam, may joy remain.
Rest assured, I'll visit aunty and care for her,
Together, we'll search for you among the stars, alongside dadi and nanu,
Shining bright, beyond the horizon.


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