Aspirant: My Struggles and My Dreams

By Isha Linesh

I WAKE UP EVERYDAY AT 5 IN THE MORNING,
WITH A HUNGER TO CONQUER THE WORLD AND BECOME SOMETHING.
WHILE BRUSHING MY TEETH AND PLANNING OUT MY DAY, I UNEXPECTEDLY CATCH A GLIMPSE OF MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND I PAUSED FOR A WHILE, MY MIND ASTRAY.
I LOOK AT THE DARK CRATERS UNDER MY EYES AND MY TIRED-LOOKING VISAGE.
I KNOW I FEEL BURNT OUT AND MENTALLY EXHAUSTED.
I WONDER IF MY HARDWORK WILL EVER BE WORTH IT.
I THINK ABOUT GIVING UP BUT THEN I SEE MY MOM LOOKING AT ME.
AS I SEE MY REFLECTION IN HER EYES, I ALSO SEE A GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THEM.
HOPE THAT I WILL SUCCEED,
HOPE THAT I WILL BE INDEPENDENT,
HOPE THAT I WILL MAKE A NAME FOR MYSELF,
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, HOPE THAT WHEN SHE’S GONE, I WILL BE ABLE TO SURVIVE AND TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
IT IS THEN THAT I GIVE HER A LOOK THAT SAYS, “DON’T WORRY AMMA, I WILL BE OK BECAUSE MY MOTHER RAISED ME RIGHT.”
HER HOPE GIVES ME THE STRENGTH TO PUSH THROUGH MY FATIGUE
AND WITH THIS NEWFOUND ENERGY, I DUST MYSELF OFF AND FRESHEN UP, READY TO FACE ANYTHING LIFE THROWS AT ME.

I KNOW I AM DRIVEN, AMBITIOUS AND DETERMINED,
BUT DOUBT AND FEAR, BECAUSE OF THE LITTLE SETBACKS IN CLASS, CLOUD MY MIND.
I BEAT MYSELF UP AND START WONDERING IF I WILL EVER BE ABLE TO CRACK THE ENTRANCE EXAMINATION.
BUT THEN I REMEMBER THE CONVERSATION I ONCE HAD WITH MY DAD.
I ASKED HIM, “ACHU, WILL YOU RETIRE IF I BECOME SUCCESSFUL.”
HE ANSWERED, LAUGHING, “NO I WON’T. I DON’T WANT TO BECOME A LAZY BONES. BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE. I WONT BE AS STRESSED AND WORRIED ABOUT MY JOB AS I AM NOW KNOWING THAT MY DAUGHTER IS IN A TOP POSITION. TO HELL WITH THE WORLD THEN. “
I SMILED AT HIM AS I REALISED HOW MUCH MY FATHER TRULY AND DEEPLY LOVED ME.
IT IS THEN THAT I ALSO REALISED THAT I CAN’T AFFORD SELF-DOUBTS, NOT IF I WANT TO SEE MY PARENTS HAPPY AND AT PEACE.

DON’T GET ME WRONG, I TRULY LOVE WHO I AM STRIVING TO BE. THIS HAS BEEN MY DREAM SINCE AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER.
BUT THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I JUST FIND ALL OF IT TOO OVERWHELMING.
WHEN I HEAR ABOUT THE INJUSTICE THAT ASPIRANTS FACE OR NEWS ABOUT “JUST” ANOTHER ASPIRANT COMMITTING SUICIDE, I WONDER IF THIS RAT RACE IS EVEN WORTH IT. NEVERTHELESS, I KEEP GOING.
ATLEAST I TRY TO.

THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I AM ON THE VERGE OF A COMPLETE MELTDOWN AND DAYS WHEN I PUT UP A FAKE SMILE, ACTING ALRIGHT.
I STUDY UNTIL THE SERENE NIGHT RELEASES ME FROM MY LABOUR.
AS I LAY IN THE BED, UNABLE TO DRIFT OFF INTO A WORLD OF NOTHINGNESS, MY THOUGHTS KEEP ME COMPANY.
I KEEP TELLING MYSELF, I WILL KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP TRYING TO MAKE IT, EVEN IF I NEED TO GO THE EXTRA MILE FOR IT.

AS TIME PASSES, I LAY THERE STILL UNTIL MY ALARM GOES OFF.
I GET UP FROM THE BED AND OPEN THE WINDOWS AS A NEW DAY AND NEW OPPURTUNITIES AWAIT ME.
I FEEL THE GOLDEN HUE OF THE SUNRAYS ENGULF ME, WHICH FEELS LIKE A WARM GENTLE HUG FROM UNIVERSE, COMFORTING ME AND TRYING TO TELL ME TO HOLD ON.
MY MIND WANDERS OFF INTO MY IMAGINATION, AND I SEE WHAT I WANT MY FUTURE TO LOOK LIKE.
I SEE AMMA AND ACHU SIPPING TEA AND DISCUSSING THE CURRENT AFFAIRS IN THE NEWSPAPER, TALKING AND SMILING AT EACH OTHER WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST WORRY IN THE WORLD.
I SEE MY BABY SISTER AND MY LITTLE BROTHER PLAYING, THEIR LAUGHTER AND VOICES ECHOING IN MY HEAD.
I SNAP BACK INTO REALITY WHEN I HEAR THE CLANKING OF UTENSILS IN THE KITCHEN, AS MY PARENTS PREPARE MY TIFFIN FOR MY CLASSES.

BUT, OH, HOW WONDERFUL WOULD IT BE IF MY LITTLE DAYDREAM CAME TRUE.
HOW I WOULD LOVE TO SEE MY FAMILY HAPPY AND CAREFREE, LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST!
EVEN IF I DON’T CRACK THE EXAMINATION, I KNOW I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL.
I HAVE TO BE…