By Ahaan Sinha
The cuts, the dead cells, the pain
the regret, the melancholy
the dark, the black clouds, the rain
no glee, not any true family
All my life, pretending I am happy
just listening to these darned statements
I'm devasted, can't anybody see
everyone turns a blind eye to my testaments
It's not as black and white as you think
I have a voice, a side to each story
I'm ignored, pushed to the brink
people read my broken poems but show no worry
"He's just a narcissist"
or maybe I got no self esteem
"You're another proud elitist"
or maybe my confidence is going downstream
I say those things just to convince myself
that I ain't a waste of space, don't yet quit
that maybe I'm more than just dust on the shelf
that maybe, I hope, I am worth it
"He's rude", "He's mean", "Heartless"
I won't make up an excuse
yeah I really am an inconsiderate mess
can't just justify it to my amuse
I'm trying to fix myself, I really am
it's just not that easy, it'll take some time
no I'm not here just for fun, I do give a damn
I'll do it, I'll change, like I'll make this poem rhyme
"What happened to his skin?", "Poor guy"
no it's not nothing, just don't wanna tell thy
that it's all a ruse to keep you at bay, a lie
that things are bad and maybe I could die
I don't want your sympathy, or any of that pity
things are the way they are, it's sad but true
everyone's suffering, I'm not unique, it's a big city
complaining won't help, nor remorse or rue
"Mentor", "President", "Smart"
no, I'm just bluffing my way through
no skills, no stability, nothing real to impart
Am I fake? and maybe a scammer too?
I've got people wanting to learn from me
what do I do, Am never the smart guy in the room
the fake is so obvious, what do they not see
I'm redundant, not an antique, just dust to a broom
"Don't say that", "You're Important", "I care"
then why don't I see you when I'm at my worst
I'm needy, clingy, a mess and drowning in despair
I'm sorry, you have a life too, that comes first
I talk to so many people, I'm tryna not be alone
no I'm not scared of the dark, just what I might do
I've been there before, the trauma's set in stone
I want to not do that either, but what if I can't do?
"Attention seeker", "No friends", "Nobody"
no, I didn't want any of that, just your bond
I'm bound by attachment, can't set myself free
I guess I'm not special, just a fish in the pond
really, I thought we could work out, just 2 friends
Didn't know it was apparently too much to ask for
and the insecurity and loneliness blends
as I see I'm unwanted and not important anymore
"You'll make it", "I believe in you", "I'm here"
been trying my best, don't know if it's enough
what if it isn't, what if I let you down is my fear
sometimes I feel I ain't cut out for it, feels so rough
"Man you're set", "You've got it all planned out"
then why can't I make it come true
I wanna beg, cry, break down, just shout
just gotta hold it all in till I make it through
"You're overthinking", "It's not like that"
or maybe I am just self destructive
maybe I think I don't deserve anyone
maybe my hollow identity keeps me captive
"If that's how it is, then so be it"
they all say they can't afford to lose me
but all it takes is one ethereal moment
and everything falls apart between me and thee
"Spend time with the family", "You're always alone"
No, maybe I have just given up on it
the pained fights, the misery, tears turn to stone
I lost my love a while back, can't do this, I quit
"Family is important", "You can't just leave"
then what the hell should I do, continue dying?
that's what it feels like, a stranger in my own home
I'll lose you soon, I know it, it's a fact I'm denying
In the end, my biggest flaw is my denial
I deny that the way I am, I'm worthless
I deny the things I say, just to hurt others, is vile
I deny that all I have to offer is my sadness
I deny my very being, my miserable soul
I think I can be better, but I don't even try
falling apart each day but i deny my lack of control
and why do you want to save me? just let me die
"Failure", "Always so sad", "You hurt me"
"Am I even your friend", "You don't even try"
"You have no one", "You just wish to use me"
"You have no heart", "I can't, goodbye"
You who reads my pain and gazes into my despair
I am not asking for your pity, nor for your aid
I thank you but I'm broken beyond repair
just forget about me and let my memories fade