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To you, Alcohol

Annapurna Pillutla

Tipsy and dancing on the outside,
Trying to kill something on the inside.
You wrangled a refuge called "Home",
Discerning my people to something I didn't know.

I've seen you do away with the spark in my brother's eyes,
His childlike foolishness being roped into your doe-like naivety.
I've seen him, on the account of you, cut down all family ties.
Like all you made him feel was confident and mighty.

My urge to try you and all the excuses that you may be good.
If I could just have you, I wouldn't have to brood.
I've seen you fill the hole in his heart, with your dopamine,
I've seen him finish that bottle till he thought he'd be fine.

I remember him having it right in front of mother,
Like he was waiting to ask her for another.
Her tears spilling, waiting to give birth to a new him,
To watch him drown like this when she wanted him to swim.

I've seen how he was blamed for everything burning down,
Like he'd only be good if he's out of town.
Watching him give two sheets to the wind,
It was as if you won and grinned.

I was fifteen when he made a home in your existence.
I thought I could make mine in you too.
You made him feel like he was the best in his defense.
And made sure I always lived like number two.

It doesn't anger me anymore, how you've taken him away, led him astray.
It doesn't matter anymore that my mother waits for him to be okay.
It doesn't matter anymore that I've followed suit.
It doesn't matter anymore that seven years later, I take too much of you like I'm galoot.

There goes the circle again,
It was all pain, difficult to abstain.
All that I remember is a jumbled blur,
And the numerous days I woke up to hurl.

I don't want to put this in rhyme,
To make myself understand.
That you don't have hands, but you held me up,
That you don't have legs, but you ran me out.
That you don't have a brain, but made me think out loud,
That you don't have a heart, but you mocked.
That you don't have a shoulder, but gave something when I cried,
That you don't have a life, but claimed mine.


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