BY KARIHA JAVAID
They tell me that love is attention
So this time,
When I go back home on a morning flight,
I promise I won't fall asleep.
Instead, I’ll look out the window,
My gaze so strong,
The mountains will be forced to reflect my childhood on the white snow,
A montage of longing for a home while being home, passing nice and slow,
I’ll trace the outline of the clouds,
Tear it and merge it, like my nani’s recipe of sourdough
But I will add a few step of my own.
I will allow it the time it needs to grow.
When the first rays of sun will hit my face,
I won't close my eyes shut.
It's alright, because if love is attention, I can do both without blinking till my vision blurs.
They tell me that love is attention
So now when I sit with my father
I calculate the time between his sighs.
If its less than a minute,
I look in his weary eyes
And give him my smile, like a prize.
He can keep it for as long as he wants,
But he always returns it.
No surprise.
I tell him I could recognize
The sound of his footsteps outside
My door every school morning.
He tells me he still tiptoes when he walks by my room.
They tell me that love is attention
So I apologize to my mother
For looking at her and seeing only
The motherhood in her eyes and not the wrinkles around it.
For not hearing the clicking of her knees
And the panting of her breathe,
Everytime I ask her to find my keys,
That is always in my own pocket.
I pay attention to her humming while she does the dishes.
Songs of her childhood drowned
By the sound of running water.
Does she know,
The decibels of her voice are an inheritance to her daughter?
Everytime I call her name,
My voice breaks,
I gasp for air
And also an identity.
They tell me that love is attention
So I am bound to forgive them
Because everytime I mention
Something as simple as
Maybe I don't feel so well
My fathers sighs turn into an extension
Of my mothers childhood songs
And my mothers redemption
Turns into a prayer
A prayer for me to be well.
They tell me that love is attention
So now every time
I see my reflection in a puddle of water
I don't jump in it.
I keep standing there for a bit
To admire the curl of my eyelash
And the patterns of my skin
As if they are knit
With the same care with which
My nani made sweaters for me.
I pay attention to my feet when
They ask me to leave some rooms.
I don't force my lungs to breathe air
That I always knew were just fumes
I stopped offering flowers to shrines
That turned out to be just tombs.
They tell me that love is attention
I pray to God they are right.
My name is Kariha Javaid, I am from Kashmir and currently pursuing my undergrad from Gargi College. The poem I submitted is influenced by a scene from Lady Bird wherein they say that maybe love and attention are the same thing.