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It's been 10 years since you're gone

DEVANSHU SAXENA

Dear Diary,
July 30th 2020, Noida, India
I have been very busy these days in my PGDM classes for 2nd Year which is eventually being conducted online via Zoom platform. Its been 10 years since my elder brother (dada) left us in utter shock and no one was prepared for this kind of great loss we had. I guess neither a day goes by when something good or bad happens in my life and I feel like sharing it with him. He was like a role model to me and the way he got placed as the 1st PGDM student from his college as it is very well said that if you work hard sooner or later it will be paid off with good dividends. I still remember the smile on the face of our parents when he informed us about getting placed. Mom was so happy that she started crying in joy. He was also doing so well in his job that in the first 3 months training in his job the CEO of the company was impressed with his work and offered him promotion to “Sr. Sales Manager” after his training period with salary increment and incentives.
Today I felt like telling you each and every day I spent in my B. Tech in Pune and all the playful pranks and things we did; I wish I could share it with him that how much fun it is in pursuing engineering specially the hostel life. He would have visited me every month in Pune time to time to know how am I doing. I still miss that when he used to tease me with names “Aye Engineer” when I took PCM as my specialization in class 11th. During my graduation, whenever I visited home in semester break felt like if I can see him once and share each and everything with him like anything. I felt so alone at home, at times felt like not going to home because it felt so empty. No one talked and mom was in shock. I visited my parents just to support them emotionally so that they are not left alone, although I decreased the frequency of visiting home from Pune to twice a year i.e., during my semester break only.
I still remember when mom visited me to Pune during my semester exams of 2nd Year, I was all into studying for my exams and out of nowhere the day she told me that our cousin brother’s wedding is being fixed. I was hoping Ekansh but the shocking news was, it was none other than Himanshu. After hearing this I couldn’t believe to what I just heard and was so shocked that I confirmed more than 10 times with my mom the same news. When we get to know that he is going for love marriage and how he stood in front of his parents like a stubborn guy that I will marry this girl only, I just could not digest this thing and believe my ears that the most naïve brother of all our cousins is going for love marriage. It literally left us in shock mode as he was the decent and way too naïve in all of our cousins. If my elder brother would have heard this, he would have called him or would have visited me to discuss it with mom and those sarcastic comments and leg pulling would have left Himanshu nothing but with one option only i.e., Blush.
We all cousins would have been taught how to dance and no such professional choreographer would be hired and we all the brothers would have also taken a lot of beatings from him for every mistake in those steps like he did in Urvashi Di’s wedding. I still remember how he beat me up like kick me for every step wrong, as I still don’t know that much about dance except Bhangra. Every time he beat me for the wrong step, mom just enjoyed that scene, I really miss that time of wedding preparations.
I do remember that he promised me to give me a new phone for my birthday every year as I was very upset as dad gave me an old phone of his as replacement for my old phone. Till now dad is fulfilling his wish every birthday. Every time I insist him not to buy but he doesn’t listen to me at all apart from that dad scolds me for not taking the new phone. Sometimes the way dad asked me about all the computer tech related questions, I wish if my elder brother was here, he would have done that a long time ago only. He would have solved all my queries I had in my 1st year of PGDM with all the presentation skills and everything.
This year in the month of January, my cutest little cousin sis Garima (our little Gammu for him) got married too with Nikhil which is of her choice, I wish that dance competition he would have rocked the stage with all his locking and popping dance moves and specially would have taken each and every responsibility in the wedding engaging all of us in one way or the other in all the activities with his management and leadership skills. We all missed him in the wedding, specially Garima, everyone was like, if our son Snehansh would have been here, it would be just amazing.
Now, I am in MBA 2nd year and have taken Business Analytics and Marketing as my dual specialization as dad suggested me to take Marketing as one of my specialization. I am here walking on the same road as dada did and I really wished he was here, to guide me, support me and teach me some marketing skills as well from his experience. Even dad is retired now. He gets bored at times at home, tries to indulge himself in house work but if Dada would been there, he would ask him to manage his finances and everything and would have constantly demanded in this lockdown about the new things he wishes to eat.
I really miss him a lot. I wished only once that I can meet him in person and talk to him like tell him each and everything and would seek advice as well, the fights we had, the leg pulling and teasing each other. If I had known this, I would have stopped him from going on the office trip to Agra specially by bike, he would have been with us and been married by now. I would have been playing with his son/daughter and even mom would have got company of my sister-in-law. I would have asked her to make me this and that. I can see the sadness on my parent’s face when they hear about his friends of same age group having their kids. I know how they feel but they don’t speak a word to me at all just keeping in mind that how I would feel.
I don’t know where is he right now, wherever he is, keeping a watch on his younger engineer brother and sending his blessings to me for being successful in each and everything I pursue in my life and probably asking god to lower the burden on my shoulders as I still don’t have that much experience what he had at a very younger age. I would just add one thing to this, wherever he is, his soul should rest in peace and shower his blessings and give me strength to fight all the highs and lows of life.
Anyway, new day tomorrow and let’s hope I can cheer myself up in order to support my parents in every way possible.
Good Night diary.


1 comment

  • 👌👌👌👌

    Anju

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