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Holding Hands with Self-Destruction

Kanika Singh

Have you ever had the realization? The one where you lie face first on the floor thinking, “I'm only one of 8 billion. Like wow. There’s so many people here. What is the point in anything? Why am I even here?”
Too many people, too much crap. Isn’t that why the planet‘s so messed up?
Then there are moments you realize that this world is actually a small place and the huge herd of humans is actually so tiny. Like you’re stuck in a tiny little world where it’s just you and your misfortune. In these times, our world view becomes so constricted that it’s hard to even fathom there's the whole world out there.
And sometimes, that’s good and we can be happy and content within ourselves, because let’s be real, out there, the real world is scary, man!
But this good turns bad is and worse when you convince yourself that you're something that you're not and someone you may never will be. That you have already met or easily will meet someone. That your life is something entirety other than what it really is.
And what are we to do? This is what we’re told!
It's almost like a sick joke, isn't it? We’re made to believe that we are meant for great things. That we’re meant for more than this. The world belongs to is and we can do whatever we want.
But tough shit, life doesn't actually work like that.
One day you realize, it's all a lie. And your world comes crashing down. We're clowns the moment we believe we're meant for something.
On the outside, what we have to be most of the time is silent. Like we’re not supposed to be sad, or upset or like downright wanna kill ourselves. Angry or mad? No, no, no! How dare we feel anything?
If we move an inch out of line, we’re the worst people. Other people don't help much either. They make it so much worse in fact. It seems so easy for them and they can't know our peril. We know better, don't we? So we hide. It’s all pointless anyway.
There you are: You’re stuck. You’re alone. You can see no light. There is no light. No sense of hope. Nothing. It’s just you and nothingness. And if you stay too long, you become nothingness. Tell me, what would you do if the only way out was to start destroying your very being?
People often talk about the cruelty and ugliness of self-destruction, yet they never even mention the intimacy.
Imagine being so close to your coping mechanisms and addictions that leaving them behind is literally chopping a part of yourself that taught you how to survive. Toxic? Sure, it is! But it's a part of who you are. It is you and you are it.
Are you there?
Maybe you can understand how difficult it is to give something like that up. So, go on, ask the person next to you, “What’s your poison?”


4 comments

  • May be it’s a struggle between our collective consciousness of the society and our incessant search for individuality.
    It is a thought provoking article. Good work!

    Vishal
  • You could’ve told me about this. Good work! But what about that story? Lol jk

    Aarya B
  • Keep it up Kanika ♥️

    Shivek Rai Kapoor
  • Cant relate more,you just said my heart out🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
    So proud of you

    Shivani

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