Self-destruction: being swallowed or being processed!!??
That's a thought, to give or take.
What we could see being consumed from the external sources is not as destructive as what we can't see or one can't express. And that's which causes major distress!
Being a 21 year old, interchanging the path from a teen to a maturer being, this time period got me into situations which somehow, positively and negatively influenced the strings of my mind. And let them tangled for a span over time. Heading to the dark inner thoughts, over-thinking, vandalizing over things that are for a matter doesn't discuss much but bothered me the most.
To be read is the past unbalanced relations that I had with my “Friends Forever”.
Forever is not just word it’s a feeling which most of us never really cared about. We tend to search for on whom we could rely upon, whom we could love & expect the same in return.
But, what we often forget is that- “ we didn’t need someone to complete us, we needed them to share the incompleteness inside us.” Serving the true essence of friendship.
Nowadays, the forever part vanishes-out quite sooner. People are into the habits of just saying or doing things, without bothering to listen. So quite soon, they get us indulged in the emptiness and feeling of ‘I couldn’t rely on anyone’.
We start feeling left-out on a road taken by all & talked by none!- “The road to self-destruction”, built out of guilt and introspection guided by the over-chinked dark inner thoughts.
When I used to think of relations, my takes & my equations with other mates, all I found was "me" all over again, alone, aloof, standing and contemplating on the things & asking, which when and where went wrong?. You guys might have got a best friend or a companion to hold on right?. At that time, I got many!.. my inner-thoughts.
Life isn't that easy, be it in school or college. My realization about it got started when I entered the scenario which made me acknowledge the color in which people actually come in!. They manipulate, they judge, they conspire and then they left you out to the road from where only the emotional instincts could lead you ahead. To where? Nobody knows…..
For one moment, I found myself being in a circle of friends who used to care and felt close. But within a splash of an emotional or situational turn-overs, the circle started appearing to be closing on me.
And, life started making no sense out of it.
But what actually mattered was people didn’t come to sort the things out. They actually didn’t care to listen to my part. I might have done wrongs, intentionally or unintentionally or they also could have. But did that mean things can’t be forgiven???. Of course, it could.
The only problem was the idea of not being the first to listen to the other.
These small fights, small heartbreaks were ignored by all. But I started feeling pressured by the same. It leads me to a major catastrophe where I started quitting myself out of others’ lives.
I felt lonely
I felt less-cared.
I felt hurt.
And all I willing was to feel concerned and loved by others.
I got through the series of “moving on” as people say, quite slowly. Because I didn’t have a circle anymore.
I used to introspect myself, over and over again on why I was the only piece left behind.
I used to question and over-think things like, do they miss any piece out of their picture?
Do they use to think about me as I do?
Did they ever care about me? etc.
And the answer which comes out was, that I am needed by none, living like an unfit piece in a perfect world of others.
Gradually, these over-cooked thoughts took over the light of my life, leaving behind the heaviness in my heart. I started questioning-out on everything which comes to me, what if they leave me? what are they don’t need me after a particular span of time? what if they too forget me? etc.
(These thoughts might look simpler to read about. But these are the pieces which, if not treated on with the warmth and affection, could win us over and destruct our life to unhappy beings.)
Soon came the time, where such introspection crossed the limit of itself being in a safe-out zone. The destructible period gets initiated. The thoughts became worst when I started relating me out with anything on earth that stands alone!. Like the earth itself, in a universe full of other same objects but when it tries to get closer, only damages took place. Like the two same ends of the magnets which appeared to be the same-fit but always repel each other, in the same way, I was being repelled by those whom I think I belonged to.
The depression, the anxiety, the anger inside, by far then was continuously blaming me for the things that I didn't even head to. The urge to satisfy others, making them comfortable, adjusting up-to their limits, and balancing their equations, in turn, imbalanced my own existence. Which I didn’t actually deserve.
The dark thoughts tried to choke on me so much that I somehow lose control over my life.
Aloofness, all over.
Lucky enough, a ray of positiveness strike, when a savior arrived. All he said was words I was missing out to hear (from a friend away from family)- “tell me what's wrong, I'll listen.”
Amidst the thoughts, all I was counting was to hold by someone. But what I forgot was that people who are only into saying things could never comfort us.
To listened to, was what I missed.
To care by, was what I needed.
All it took were words of comfort, to shift my tracks off from the destructiveness.
We often quite easily forget that in-spite of less hope, there are always people on whom you could count & who are out there praying for our well-being. There is always someone who cares for you, be it your parents or a close friend by chance. And that's what I didn’t think of, in those moments of battling out with myself.
In spite of the differences there always exists a chance by which you could lead others to feel like home with you.
Don’t just talk, but listen too.
People have a lot to tell about.
A happy face could talk about the sadness behind and a sad face could get its happiness back by being listened to.
Destructive is not the external measures, destructive is how we processed that inside.
Destructive is what could make us take our lives instead of taking it from us.
Destructive is what continues to ring into head since it's being said by someone- the words.
Destructive is what could ought us to take a step ahead and put down ourselves to the deeds of death.
Destructive is the THOUGHTS, THE WORDS, THE OVERTHINKING.
“To listen is to heal the unknown pain which the speaker might be carrying.”
Give chance to others. Let them correct their mistakes and gave them a hug of warmth. Life could be complicated, but if you start heading on to comfort the people around, you will find the true meaning of it hidden in their smiles, with you being the reason behind it. No prayer on this earth is bigger than experiencing that.
Be a listener.
Be a healer.