Souled Out Words
Abhi is his name, and he lived upto the meaning. Being strong, with a big smile for the outer world, but within his mind, he was ruptured. He was a happy little fat kid, who never realized the weight of his body until the people around him made him feel the heat through their stares, the murmurs, and the laughs. Each and every element got absorbed by his little mind, but he wasn’t aware of how much his tiny mind could take in, which turned out to be the utmost toxicity for a teenage kid.
Abhi was always angry, and there was one incident that made him take a drastic decision. One day while playing cricket in the ground, his friends were making fun of his size, and out of rage, he threw his bat on his friend and walked back home. That night, that sleepless night made him realize what a devil he had become, a statement too harsh for that little kid. Abhi couldn’t understand that it was humane to be angry. Instead, he decided to control his anger, “It just takes a second to pull the trigger.” He wondered which part of his brain made him threw up this dialogue. It helped him kill his anger, but he had to give away more than he thought. The world was still the same, but he kept on suppressing his emotions. “What would happen if I say this or that” this made him stop expressing him from anyone. His mind was trembling all alone, Abhi was a good kid, a sweet one always smiling. He never thought it would become his mask, and he was mad enough to believe that someone would see beneath it. Maybe he should have tried to reach out to someone, though he wasn’t unheard sometimes. He should still have tried his bit, but he succumbed to that belief and kept silent even to his mom. As months passed, he grew big and bulky by my mind and body, and it choked him and restrained from voicing out.
Abhi was all by himself inside the four walls of his house, and it made him feel like he ruled this empty world of his. The unspoken words echoed in his mind, those frozen emotions that made him think that his soul was craving for an exit. He gave birth to a new little devil, and it has been with him more than his shadow. He was happy being with him, the conversations had turned out to be fun and crazy. He was his biggest boon and bane of his life. He was pleased in his own little world, but for the real world? He was nothing less than a programmatic machine, being the usual way. Trying to act happy, he started losing the touch of a human mind and staying away from it. He talked, he laughed, was delighted too, but hiding his crazy mind from his friends and family, always put him on a dark corner. He was feeling low yet smiled brightly, it drained him a lot and drove him under constant thoughts, and he started realizing that he was getting abnormal. “With whom can I talk about this? I tried a few times, and I was reverted back with the constant reply of ‘Don’t get serious!.’ I was lame, they were kids too, but I wasn’t acting like one.”
The very thought of being abnormal made Abhi spook out. He was looking for support, which never seemed to exist in his life, and he was struggling with his own inner devils. He started having sleepless nights, and the stress started eating him up. Whatever he went through, he was dumb for the outer world, and things got worse. When he was transferred to another class in the 12th standard due to his poor academic performance. It was an all-time low for him. He was in a new section with new people around him, and it pushed him further to the void of silence. Days passed by, his ever-increasing weight and ever dropping marks, took away even his mask of an ever-smiling face. He was done with his final exams and the holiday began. What was done to his mind couldn’t be unchecked? That summer holidays made him realize his emptiness more, and he even wished that his friends would troll him, he felt bad for not understanding whatever fun they make off him, he was still their friend, they also guarded and protected him at times. Yet he didn’t reach his friends and always shied away from them. His exam results were published, he scored good marks and got into Engineering.
College Life was much better for him, as he was a complete stranger, and his own trademarks aren’t following him anymore. He started believing that he can be a newer self here, and he started venturing into different things. Though he wasn’t able to open up his mind to his new friends, he was more supportive of them, and he always stood for their friends. He was switching between his personalities one when he was alone and when he was with his friends, but he felt much more confident and better than his school days. At that time, a fatal blow came into his life with his dad’s untimely death. It struck him so much, as his dad was his key support in his life. His dad’s death entirely changed the dimension of his family and Abhi’s future.
His family was surrounded by debts, and it led up to Abhi to deal with it. He was having a tough time sleeping, and he was hit by a sense of anxiety always. With just a few hours of sleep, he was dizzier during his college times, and he covered up for that with his smile. Yet he didn’t open up to his friends, and he was trembling like a volcano waiting to explode, but he didn’t. This piling up of emotions didn’t help Abhi, but he couldn’t help himself preventing from the disastrous turn of events. Abhi was completely deprived of sleep, and it resulted in concentration issues. His mom was completely unhappy with his behavior, and the financial state of the family was not in good shape, too, as his brother was the only breadwinner. All these worries made him choke and one fine evening, he went this with his first panic attack right in front of his mom, he couldn’t do anything except watching her cry as his whole body for trembling, and all he could whisper was “Take me to a psychiatrist, I am afraid that I will go mad.” This was a complete shocker for his entire family. Mental Health is such a taboo topic for a middle-class family. His mom took him to their family doctor, and he prescribed a small dosage of a sleeping tablet. Abhi took for a night, and he slept well, but it made him fear, what if he gets addicted to it. So he flushed the remaining tablets and never wanted to remember the name of it. Still, he never opened up all these incidents to his friends and acted as nothing happened. His mom and brothers were not convinced to take him to mental health specialists, they were afraid that what would happen if he starts taking medicines and if things get worse, and his mom started pleading to him not to worry, and they will take care of things.
Abhi realized that his family was worried about him, and so for their sake, he tried being happy and let the fire burn within him. With long struggles, Abhi completed his degree but was not good enough to get placed. He was interested in writing, so he wanted to pursue his career as a content writer, he was lucky enough to find a job as he wished, and he was quite happy with his career. But his inner demons were still consuming his mind and flesh. Abhi was not the same fat kid; he had lost a considerable amount of weight because of his lack of appetite. Since work helped him a little, he let himself indulge more on it, and some days he even stayed at his office, away from his family. And his sleeping pattern was still worse and the same. Unlike the college days, Abhi was unaccountable for certain things at his workplace, and everyone started noticing a slope in his performance. He was committing blunders and even had problems in conversing because of his concentration issues. But no one around him knew anything, and finally, even the job he loved was at risk. Abhi was completely out of ideas on how to get over from this. Whether to check a therapist or leave his job or run away somewhere, everything was a tough decision. He was so desperate for a ray of hope, and it appeared when he received a message from his friend, “How are you?” and Abhi replied, “I am not good, and I want to talk to you all.” That weekend Abhi met his close set of friends in a cafe, and he said his entire story of life, and they were completely shocked and angry for not letting them know about all these and letting himself suffer all alone. Abhi was on tears after the entire narration, but he felt different. His mind felt lighter, the way it never felt. He felt relieved from the clutches of pain. Abhi’s friend ensured him all the support for him, and they held him tight.