It did not bother me at all

Aradhana Dube

As long as I can recall,
Standing among my classmates,
I weighed the most in the student hall,
But it did not bother me at all.

Or so I thought,
Whenever I was at a party all the aunties would call,
“You’ve become so healthy”,
But it did not bother me at all.

Or so I thought,
And then I would take a second serve and then a third of snacks full of cholesterol,
While my mother glared at me,
But it did not bother me at all.

Or so I thought,
Until the next day she would admonish me appalled,
And I would secretly indulge in cakes and noodles after lunch while she sleeps,
But it did not bother me at all.

Or so I thought,
TT wouldn’t help you loose weight, its better you choose athletics or basketball,
So I figured if I am exercising more, I need to eat more; consuming 5 extra chapattis,
But it did not bother me at all.


Or so I thought,
When I did not get the desired rank, I cried and crawled,
I wiped my tears, devoured a whole large pizza,
But it did not bother me at all.


I did not need to think now,
It has already become my way of coping,
To ease my worries and find solace in food,
Hoping…

Though the indulgence was temporary,
The repercussions were lasting,
Now I was forced to consult a dietician,
Who recommended fasting.

The more the food was denied,
The more I craved a cheat day,
They snatched my safety blanket from me,
Now my body had to pay.

But things are better now,
I’ve started to love working out,
Helps me stay focused,
Now I know what actually being ‘healthy’ is all about.

Still there are good days and bad,
Days when I stuff myself till my throat hurts,
Then hurl everything out because I’ve worked so hard to lose weight,
Seems like I am still stuck in this cycle which I’ve come to hate.

I have accepted myself since childhood,
And I understand indulgence in excess is harmful,
But I absolutely abhor other people telling me what I could eat
Because then, I am afraid, this whole cycle will repeat.


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